How do you know when you are depressed? The thought of the word alone makes me feel gloomy. Never knew that having a child would change so much. After and between the joy of a child growing inside and finally being born, in the midst of all those happy faces and joy. There was this deafening silence inside. It tried to take over at times. Not knowing what is was, not having a name for it. Not knowing how I could feel that feeling, nor that it even existed. Yes, there were stories there were theories, but never in reality, never so face to face. Having to deal with a changing body during pregnancy and then after pregnancy! Oh the world doesn’t know. Those with children say it will get better, and those without don’t notice at all. The constant need for attention the child needs is exhausting, Oh yes you love the child, yes very much! How did women do this for years? How did they raise generations without giving up?! Without breaking down?
I think they did break down, I think they overcame depression after depression, with or without help. I think they got tired of staying home, but never said a thing. I think they fled into cooking,shopping or eating. They fled for that deafening silence, the one which sometimes spoke a dark cloud into existence. The condition becomes worse ass you feed it, but you cant help feeding it, because you cant stop. Its crippling and scary, its dark and unreachable. Oh theory’s cant help, yes the psychiatrist understands, or does he really?
I never spoke to anyone about it. It existed and loomed in every corner of happy days. Waiting for me to feed it. Reaching out and grabbing hold. There were days I could shake it off and go on. And there were days I just stayed in bed. Oh but the world never knew. I was always tip top and laughing in public. Never thought of killing the child, only of wanting it to be over. The feeling.
And there was victory.. How? No sessions, no talks. Just a lot of expression, prayer and not giving up. Not feeding the beast and giving it foot. No I conquered and am conquering by the day. It gets brighter and brighter. Singing songs of praise to lift up the spirit. No God had not left..He brought me trough.