To my unborn child…

I was just getting used to the idea of you growing inside me. The moment we knew we were expecting you, the future opened its doors wider and expectations, plans and emotions started to unfold. You were not planned but very welcome. Just one and a half years ago our first son was born and the changes in our life have since not stopped. What would this time be like? All the symptoms were there. The test showed positive four times. And I was mentally getting ready for nine months of change.

Then out of nothing the bleeding began. Could just be implantation bleeding. Read about it so I wasn’t worried. There were also constant cramps. Read about that too. They said not to worry about that either,but you could always go see a doctor. It started Monday I went to see a doctor on Wednesday. There was the long wait in two waiting rooms. Then the ultrasound. And then just like that the plain truth you no longer existed in me. “We see nothing intact”. I had tried not to think of that posibility. Over the past few days the tought did creep up on me, but you automatically push it away hoping for the best. And now there I was and it was a fact. My brain registered it and somewhere an alarm was going off but it felt like I was still asleep and the sound was far away. The next step was making appointments for further treatment. The results said missed abortion…I still had cramps and reality was slowly sinking in.

Did this really happen to me? Just like that? I did not expect emotions because you were still young. But the sadness was overwhelming and the tears were many. We were only just getting used to the idea of you. You left so soon. Few people knew we were expecting and nobody knew what was happening inside me right now. My body was pushing you out. It was too much for my brains to grasp. I could see parts of you coming out of me… I felt you being torn away bit by bit. I felt numb and strange. Things like this happen to other people and you feel bad for them. Now here I am. Just like that I now belong to another category of people. The category that has someone in heaven waiting for them.

I look forward to meeting you. You are safe and I’ll be alright.

With love,
mom

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